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HUSBAND vs WIFE
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13069
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 5:05 am    Post subject: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband : Nothing

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

-- ------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife : "Yes and no."

---------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other
problem can there be greater than this one?"

---------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all
your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told
me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

---------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

---------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

---------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your
sense of humour."

Cheers,

Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Weinbender
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Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 7:41 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Vince, you do always have the best jokes! Haha

_________________
"If it dont kick like a mule, it aint worth shooting"
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10279
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:42 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Weinbender...It's not that he has the funniest jokes as much as it's because he's married...Been there. Done that...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Weinbender
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Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 10:18 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Weinbender...It's not that he has the funniest jokes as much as it's because he's married...Been there. Done that...

Hahah! I see, so my best bet is to just run from any sort of relationship with a female? Drive

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tracker
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 11:10 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Weinbender wrote:
Bushmaster wrote:
Weinbender...It's not that he has the funniest jokes as much as it's because he's married...Been there. Done that...

Hahah! I see, so my best bet is to just run from any sort of relationship with a female? Drive

Tippy-toeing away quietly just before sun up is the preferred method actually

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10279
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 11:19 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Tell me Tracker...Does Keetoowah know about this?

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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tracker
Super Member
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 12:28 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed ahem, I meant back in the day, partner, back in the day.... Embarassed Embarassed

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Bushmaster
Super Member
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10279
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:21 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Uh-huh...I thought so...She didn't know...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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tracker
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:25 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Uh oh...I have sense this could cost me.... Very Happy Very Happy although I'm pretty sure she knew that I wasn't ..you know...pure..when we met. (Now how am I going to stop that woman from getting a computer up and running... Sad Sad )

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Bushmaster
Super Member
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10279
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:35 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Be there and every time she plugs it in---unplug it. Trip the house breaker. Keep her busy with lots of hugs and...Be in the next county (or in your case. Next country)...Well out of rifle range. Very Happy Oh and by the way...Glad to help...Any time... Cheers Popcorn ROFL

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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tracker
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:53 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Should've kept my damn trap shut, you're enjoying this waaaaaaaaay too much Very Happy

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tracker
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:54 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Sad but honey! I was just trying to help a young fella out with some advice!! Think that'll work? Sad Yeah that's what I thought....

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shrpshtrjoe
Super Red Neck Member
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Joined: Jan 26, 2005
Posts: 2955
Location: Maryland

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 4:28 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

tracker wrote:
Should've kept my damn trap shut, you're enjoying this waaaaaaaaay too much Very Happy

He seems to do that very thing doesn't he Laughing
Joe

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People Eating Tasty Animals
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13069
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:35 pm    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

Weinbender wrote:

Hahah! I see, so my best bet is to just run from any sort of relationship with a female?
Goodness mate...NO....you just have to be careful....VERY CAREFUL. Marriage is a great institution....with the emphasis on institution. ROFL

tracker wrote:
Tippy-toeing away quietly just before sun up is the preferred method actually
And if your arm is trapped beneath "something"...chew it off quietly to slip away. Laughing

tracker wrote:
Should've kept my damn trap shut, you're enjoying this waaaaaaaaay too much Very Happy

Ah, there's nothing like helping a mate out. I'm proud of ya Bushy.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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tracker
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 7:59 am    Post subject: Re: HUSBAND vs WIFE Reply with quote

shrpshtrjoe wrote:
tracker wrote:
Should've kept my damn trap shut, you're enjoying this waaaaaaaaay too much Very Happy

He seems to do that very thing doesn't he Laughing
Joe

Yep, I should have known, but then....look how helpful he's being now!

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