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Airline Announcements
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13024
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 12:24 am    Post subject: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" Mad

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." Shocked

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. Very Happy

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" Smile

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." Very Happy

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" wtf

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." Shocked

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." Shocked

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a s mall child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." Smile

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." Very Happy

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing and we become a cruise liner , please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." Very Happy

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." Cool

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" Sad

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." Laughing

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Surprised

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." Very Happy

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door whil e the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" Confused wtf

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." wtf

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." Laughing

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." Very Happy

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, " That's nothing. You should see the back of mine." Surprised Shocked Sad

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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delboy
Member
Member


Joined: Apr 21, 2005
Posts: 240
Location: London England

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 12:46 am    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

Vinnie - you slay me man! Don't know where you get them all but you missed out the biggest airline joke of all.............. BRITISH AIRWAYS!!

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There are few problems in life that cannot be solved with sufficient high explosive........
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13024
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 1:33 am    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

Thanks delboy. I get them from mates all over the world. We just send them around to one another when we come across them.

I didn't mind BA (remember them when they were BOAC) when I was in Europe and the UK, but that was many many years ago.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Dimitri
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 7:40 am    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

ROFL

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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mikekuzara
Member
Member


Joined: Sep 13, 2005
Posts: 147
Location: Farson, Wyoming

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:49 am    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

On a United Express flight the attendant giving the safety lecture said. "This works like every seatbelt in the world, and if you can't figure it out, either your mommy or your nurse will buckle it for you" and "Since our course is completely over a desert, a water landing will mean we have drifted WAY off course and you may use your seat cushion to join the cast of "Lost""

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Set a man on fire and he is warm the rest of his life.
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Dimitri
Super Member
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:51 pm    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

Re-read this, this cracked me just as much as it did the first time I read it. Haha

But on a more important note, both Delboy and Mike havn't posted in a while. Confused

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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codybrown
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Feb 10, 2007
Posts: 379
Location: Michigan

PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 8:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

I liked the very last one the best

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I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly larger.
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gelandangan
Super Member
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5705
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Airline Announcements Reply with quote

Now I'm worried to get in to an airplane..
Maybe I should look for better job... Shocked Shocked

_________________
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A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


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