An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the 'Man Who Orders Three Beers'."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?' the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the 'Man Who Orders Three Beers' became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all.... ."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."



oOo

A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

oOo


To those who fly a lot, this may help you to 'lighten up' the next time the airlines of your choice causes you major aggravation. All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the 'in-flight safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported.

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On a Qantas flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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Heard on a Air New Zealand flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.

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"Thank you for flying Virgin Blue. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Dunedin Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA."

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Auckland, a flight attendant announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as shootin' everything has shifted."

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From a Air NZ employee: "Welcome aboard Air NZ Flight 245 to Wellington . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 7 degrees celsius with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Virgin Blue is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Sydney: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

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Overheard on an Air NZ flight into Wellington on a particularly windy and bumpy day: "During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wellington . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

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After a real crusher of a landing in Palmerston North , the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Air NZ."

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A plane was taking off from Auckland Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 316, nonstop from Auckland to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH."

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.. You should see the front of my pants."

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.


oOo

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab."

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Bymes Seattle, WA

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg.

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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it."

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body.

Now, the instructions include "remove the old patch before applying a new one."

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR.

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I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly".

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI.

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass".

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

oOo

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

oOo

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest Willie the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

It's swollen," the man replied.

oOo


The Why's of Men




WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

Because their testicles fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock.

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WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

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WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

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HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

Don't know, its never happened.

oOo

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

oOo

A couple are lying in bed.

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you."

oOo

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

oOo

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor.

oOo

Why do little boys whine? They are practicing to be men.

oOo

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

oOo

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual'.

oOo

Cheers, Vince