Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a
soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the
end, the faster it goes.

OV1, thanks for the morning chuckle to start my day! These are good ones!

And the number 15 joke: 13 reasons to smile does come with 14

but in such quality: the more the better.
Thanks.

Thanks Aloysius:

I myself cannot wait for this week to end as for starters on memorial day, the wife sent me with a list of stuff to pick-up for a bbq we were having. Bought all the stuff home and next day (Monday) I realised I had forgot to pick up lava rocks for our gas grill.

So my wife grills me, and tells me I'm losing it....for forgetting to get the lava rocks. So I ended up inviting 2 other neighbors from 3 blocks down just to get lava rocks.

But today when I collected and posted the opening post proves I can't count either. Lookout Saturday, much needed recoil therapy.

those are great thanks omni.