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IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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slimjim
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 8037
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 5:35 am    Post subject: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER Reply with quote

We are in one of those cycles where we are posting more humor than firearm topics, e.g. JokeNut vs HuntingNut. But I couldn't resist posting these from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be ORAL , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: ORAL
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

_________________
"To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth." - Theodore Roosevelt

"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein
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camel
Member
Member


Joined: May 30, 2011
Posts: 129
Location: Hillston Nsw Australia

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:25 am    Post subject: Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORT Reply with quote

Hope that wasnt real. Just think those lawyers went to university. Really makes you wonder wtf wtf Confused

_________________
Gut shot rabbits aint worth jack shit. Camel
Opinions are like rear ends, every one has got one.
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Grumulkin
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Apr 16, 2007
Posts: 365
Location: Central Ohio

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:54 pm    Post subject: Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER Reply with quote

I've seen this list before and my guess is these statements really happened.
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radar
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 01, 2008
Posts: 1109
Location: North Island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:08 pm    Post subject: Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORT Reply with quote

There are some absolute doozies out there from law enforcement, I will try to get a couple. As stated its unsure how some Lawyers manage to breath let alone argue law.

_________________
People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

George Orwell
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Dimitri
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5910

PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 8:41 pm    Post subject: Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORT Reply with quote

radar wrote:
As stated its unsure how some Lawyers manage to breath let alone argue law.

That is why they are public defenders and don't have their own law offices? Very Happy

Dimitri

_________________
A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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camel
Member
Member


Joined: May 30, 2011
Posts: 129
Location: Hillston Nsw Australia

PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:59 am    Post subject: Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORT Reply with quote

Then God help the public, cause those idjuts aren't capable wtf

_________________
Gut shot rabbits aint worth jack shit. Camel
Opinions are like rear ends, every one has got one.
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