Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas from Iowa! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today, but no problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left the house this morning. By the time I got back to my hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The hot breeze really sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees again today. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise censored cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my censored was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of
flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and censored . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried censored, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do poopoo for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

hahahahaha good one... You Texans have a comment .................???? It doesn't get that hot here ............. LOL

Letters home from a Frenchman who immigrated to Québec

August 1st

We have just moved to our new house in Québec. It is very beautiful here. Everything is so immense and wild, and the mountains are magnificent. I am anxious to see them covered in snow and to see the frost in the windows

October 1st

Québec is the nicest place on earth. The leaves have turned all possible tints of red and orange. We went for a stroll on the mountain and we saw some deer. What magnificent creatures, they are surely the most beautiful creatures in the world. Québec is certainly paradise on earth. I love it here.

November 1st

Hunting season starts soon. I cannot believe that we can kill such a beautiful animal. I hope it snows soon. I really love Québec (except for the hunting part, and it is true that nature in it’s wilderness is a bit cruel at times)
Décember 1st
It snowed last night. We woke up this morning to discover that all was white. A real postal card. We went out and had a snow ball fight. We had a ball. What à beautiful place. The air is pure; all is clean and white... It’s fantastic…

December 10th

We had snow again last night. It’s marvelous. The snow plow driver jokingly built us a little snow bank on our front driveway, Quebecers are a happy go lucky bunch that like to play jokes on each other.

December 15th

It snowed again last night I was a little put off because I could not get my car out of the yard in order to go to work. I must admit that snow is beautiful but I am bushed from shoveling that snow. That damned snowplough driver filled my driveway with snow the minute that I had finished shoveling it.

December 21st

It snowed again last night. You might not believe it but I have blisters on my hands from shoveling that damned snow. I think that the snow plough driver hides around the corner and waits for me to finish cleaning the driveway in order to drive by my house and fill that driveway with snow again. At first I thought that he did this because we were new in the neighbourhood but I now think that he does it because he is a dirty scum bag.

December 25th

Meryl Christmas to all. We had another snow fall last night. We had two feet of that dirty sh**ty stuff fall on us. A white Christmas is beautiful but if ever I get my hand on that dirty son of a bee that drives the snow plough I will certainly heave him across my driveway on his Azz.

December 27th

This is incredible but It snowed gain last night. This morning we are freezing our but off shoveling that dirty old snow out of our driveway. The car was stuck under four feet of snow and when I finished getting the snow off it and scraped the ice off the windshield, it would not start because it was cold. It was 30 below zero at 7 AM. And with the wind factor it was 44 below zero. That is incredibly cold. You don’t dare have a leak outdoors with such a temperature, I swear to you. This after noon the beauty that reports weather on TV told us that we would have a warming of the temperature but that we should expect another 10 inches of snow.( 10 inches, that’s 25 ,4 cm of that damned stuff)

December 28Th

That stupid weather reporter made a mistake, we had 24 inches of that dirty cold miserable stuff.( That 61 cm of shoveling). Do you realize that it will not be melted before august. That son of a bee of a snow plough driver got stuck in the snow just in front of my house and he knocked at my door in order to borrow a shovel. After I explained to him that I had worned out six shovel shoveling all that snow that he pushes in my driveway I broke the seventh on his head.

January 30th

We finally got out of the house today and drove to the grocery store in order to get something to eat. But on the way back a silly creature of a deer stepped in front of the car and I could not avoid him. I now have a 3000$ bill for the damages incurred. The stupid thing saw me coming and I blew the horn but it just stayed there staring at me. Why oh why did the hunters not kill them all during the fall hunting season, darned stupid things anyway.

May 1 st

I took my car to the body shop for repair and it is full of rust holes, just like Swiss cheese. They use salt ( calcium) on the roads and it causes all that rust. They must have to change car every year.

May 30 th

Marie-Maude and I decided to move to Texas. The snow is not even all melted that mosquitoes are eating us alive. The black flies are so hungry that they take a bite out of us and leave with a piece the size of a steak. We can’t even have a beer or a glass of wine outdoors that our face is full of these darned bugs. I am Pis**sed off with Québec and Québécois. I cannot believe that some people are stupid enough to live in a place like that.
Texas here I come in order to enjoy you warm and dry days with cool evenings, paradise is in Texas.

RePete, why did you post this under the Joke? I thought it was pretty accurate description of our Texas summer this year.