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Vince Site Admin
Joined: May 25, 2005 Posts: 15717 Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:43 am Post subject: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here’s my favorite 20, the 5th One Had Me Confused!:
1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.
4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
_________________ Cheers, Vince
Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done) |
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RePete Super Member
Joined: Aug 15, 2005 Posts: 1035 Location: Gods Country
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:23 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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_________________ Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.
Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.
Nice try = You Suck spelled different.
My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as RESPECT FOR OTHERS. |
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Bushmaster Super Member
Joined: Jun 12, 2005 Posts: 11393 Location: Ava, Missouri
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:51 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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And you assume there are inteligent people on this site...
_________________ I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...
DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote... |
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Tremblay Super Member
Joined: Oct 08, 2007 Posts: 2650 Location: Malta, Montana
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 8:00 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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Bushmaster wrote: |
And you assume there are inteligent people on this site... |
_________________ Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain
Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain |
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gelandangan Super Member
Joined: May 07, 2006 Posts: 6398 Location: Sydney Australia
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:11 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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_________________ A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.
Do - Not try!
gelandangan.weebly.com/ |
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dhc4ever Super Member
Joined: May 26, 2011 Posts: 2944 Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:19 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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Bushy nailed it.
_________________ Pete
Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics.............. |
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PaulS Super Member
Joined: Feb 18, 2006 Posts: 4330 Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:18 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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#14 is for coders or computer engineers - I don't believe mechanical engineers would get it at all.
_________________ Paul
__________________
Speer, Lyman, Hodgdon, Sierra, and Hornady = reliable loading data
So and So's pages on the internet = NOT reliable loading data
Always check data against manuals
NEVER exceed maximum listed loads |
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RePete Super Member
Joined: Aug 15, 2005 Posts: 1035 Location: Gods Country
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 2:22 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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I was a mechanic and I get it.
Octal and decimal.
_________________ Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.
Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.
Nice try = You Suck spelled different.
My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as RESPECT FOR OTHERS. |
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Bushmaster Super Member
Joined: Jun 12, 2005 Posts: 11393 Location: Ava, Missouri
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Tremblay Super Member
Joined: Oct 08, 2007 Posts: 2650 Location: Malta, Montana
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:43 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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I guess I need it explained !!!
_________________ Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain
Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain |
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PaulS Super Member
Joined: Feb 18, 2006 Posts: 4330 Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:26 am Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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RePete did explain it;
The OCTal #31 has the same value as the DECimal #25
I think we have a lot of "intellectuals" here. Some are more educated in some areas than others but I believe we are all intellectual in some way.
Bushy and Tremblay have their intelligence directed in more practical areas and I have a head full of stuff that not many people care about. Our collection here is not dissimilar to the founding fathers of this great republic.
_________________ Paul
__________________
Speer, Lyman, Hodgdon, Sierra, and Hornady = reliable loading data
So and So's pages on the internet = NOT reliable loading data
Always check data against manuals
NEVER exceed maximum listed loads |
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Bushmaster Super Member
Joined: Jun 12, 2005 Posts: 11393 Location: Ava, Missouri
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:15 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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It's all Vince's fault...
_________________ I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...
DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote... |
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Elvis Super Member
Joined: Jul 27, 2008 Posts: 9253 Location: south island New Zealand
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 1:43 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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Bushmaster wrote: |
It's all Vince's fault... |
isnt it always??????
plurry Aussies at least like us Kiwis they can laugh at themselves and as our brave young men prooved a hundred years ago tomorrow can hold up their end in the worst of battle conditions.
_________________ You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers! |
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Tremblay Super Member
Joined: Oct 08, 2007 Posts: 2650 Location: Malta, Montana
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:06 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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deci = 1/10 octal = pertains to a number system on the base 8.
_________________ Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain
Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain |
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Elvis Super Member
Joined: Jul 27, 2008 Posts: 9253 Location: south island New Zealand
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:10 pm Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. |
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really????????
decimal system is all interlinked
a litre of water fits in a 10 cm x 10cm x10cm container and weighs 1 kilogram
ton of water is a cubic meter
_________________ You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers! |
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