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The old saying is that a man marries a girl hoping that she won't change, a girl marries a man hoping that she can change him, and they are both disappointed.

That ranks right up there with the old question:
What is the first thing that a wife does when she gets out of the woman shelter?
Why, the dishes if she knows what's good for her!

My most damaging discharge occurred many years ago in the frozen foods section of a large variety store. Even I had to quickly retreat to an area where it was safe to breathe. No sooner had I gotten ...

Nobody appreciated having to watch San Fran Nan, the wicked witch of the West.

Two old ladies were sitting in church listening to the preacher go on and on with his sermon.
First old lady: You know, he's been preaching so long that my rear end is going to sleep.
Second old lad ...

The lawyers haven't figured this one out yet. An elderly widower on his deathbed marries his grandson. His entire estate and fortune passes to his grandson tax-free per the IRS code since he is now ...

Circumcision: A waterfowl process whereby a hooded merganser is converted into a redhead.

I think the Canadians have a shorter sentence than "I am". Eh?

25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.

A "buyback" program is a misnomer, since the government never owned the guns in the first place. It is just a way for the police to get people to steal guns from their family and friends, since there ...

There are three signs of getting old. One is that you start to lose your memory, and I can't remember what the other one is.

Don't forget to replace your muffler bearings.

Don't forget to replace your muffler bearings.

They say that romance is like a game of cards. You start out with two hearts and a diamond, and by the time it's over you wish you had a club and a spade.

What do kids really think of rub-a-dub dub, three men in a tub?